I am Strong..

I believe in myself & I will not give up..

Watch me 

Here's just a few ways I have felt literally for many many many years now & I now realise..I have just been getting in my own way!

Self Conscious..

Shame..

Self-Focused on my own pain & other peoples behaviours..

Disgust & Embarrassment..

Not being Enough..

Self Critical & Ashamed

I know.. I really have not helped myself one bit..So much for turning down those child counselling sessions..Instead I resorted to writing in my diary..which I recall, being scented.  And it had a lock & key (lost that years ago, feel for whoever may have found that)!  I think it was a present either from my parents or aunt.

I'm not sure when..but at some point I stopped writing. 

A very close friend of mine recently said to me the reason why I am spoken to or sometimes treated like a victim by others is because that's how they see me. Those words actually really effected me, as I had been searching for an answer & she gave it to me.  

I, Myself had unknowingly been walking around with this label & mentality & so felt I had seeked out family/friends who allowed me to self wallow.  I guess, it would allow me to be the Victim..This to me though, still feels acceptable..as I was only a child at that time..so thought i was just seeking that comfort & to know i was blameless.  As i child i didnt know any other way to think or see things.

However, now I am at the ripe age of 40..I have accepted I no longer want to carry the Victim label (I wasn't actually aware I came across this way) just had lots happen in my life that unfortunately weren't what I asked for.  

But on reflection I now recognise who are my people & who are not.

These people are my loyal, supportive but honest friends..who would rather encourage me..remind me & tell me who I am & how far I have come.

At the same time though.. if I am having a wobble or need to get things off my chest..they don't judge..they don't repeat & they just listen.

I love my friends & truly grateful for all that they say & do.

So, this leads me to learning to be Natt..going from Victim to Survivor..

In order to do this,  I had to get pretty real with myself..which ladies & gents is not actually not that easy to do (my ego struggled).  

I had to face some pretty hard scenarios that I had buried deep in me..I had to ask myself some very hard questions then reflect but leave all that guilt, shame & hurtful feelings.  

Thoughts that I have literally held onto my entire life.

Right up until the end of last year infact (so entire childhood & throughout most of my adulthood) Too long..we can all agree,  that is not healthy for the mind,right?! 

One of the questions I asked myself once reflecting on the scenarios was..Can i change what I feel guilty about?  I cant actually..No..however I can accept it & I can FINALLY move on. 

I can embrace where I am now & regardless of my thoughts..triggers..self pity..flashbacks & pain etc.  However, I know it is time.. that for my own family & I, to let it all go.  To feel good, even when things are not so great..focus on all that is.

Every night now (although I do this freely throughout my days) I practise Gratitude.

Listing 5 things that I am grateful for (not always written..but to myself) 

Studying Psychology is having a profound effect on me & the Gabby Bernstein Books!!

No joke, literally life changing effect..my confidence..my energy..my inner glow..my thoughts..my anxiety & so much more!!

Gratitude can alter so much & just being real with yourself.. it can alter your everyday life.. to where appreciating what you have rather than what you don't is actually where it counts.

My focus has shifted..My Mental Health & Wellness is improving..I feel happier & I feel as though I am less fearful & even if my hands are sweaty & shaking & that self doubt voice starts to kick in..I am feeling the fear & doing it anyway (whatever "It" is)!

I feel as though an inner belief is developing once again..only this time I am way more self aware.

I have set myself little & big goals, which I did in November & I believe wholeheartedly I will achieve them without letting too much external things distract me (in my past I did just that & killed my own dreams).      

I have created new habits for myself to help keep me focused & stay on track.

I am well aware that I will not be transforming & healing my life overnight however..I am already feeling the benefit of the changes & the gratitude I have now been practising daily is having a positive effect on my family, our life & me.

I have even found the confidence to no longer hide my passion & once again get back into the industry I absolutely love.

I have started my own business with a company & team that I am enjoying every minute we are working together or I, on my business & it shows.

I mean..what an amazing few weeks it has been!

There's much more to come & other opportunities & offers which without my social media profiles it wouldn't of been possible..I have yet to make these public but what I can say is.. I promise you this year is definitely our year (My family & I).

So here's to letting go & here's to us all having one of our best years yet & getting out of our own way!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post..I hope for someone it helps them recognise their own mindset too & is relatable enough that you take the same steps as me to make a better..happier life for you.  

Regardless of your past.

Happy 2020 All 

For your reference below are the tools I am using to alter my mindset..

Gabby Bernstein Books & Academy

Gary Vee Podcast & his Social Media profiles

Gratitude Journal

Psychologies Magazine 

Im truly grateful for being pointed in the direction of the above.