Living in this world as a complex person 🤔

I am Strong..

I believe in myself & I will not give up..

Watch me 

Here's just a few ways I have felt literally for many many many years now & I now realise..I have just been getting in my own way!

Self Conscious..

Shame..

Self-Focused on my own pain & other peoples behaviours..

Disgust & Embarrassment..

Not being Enough..

Self Critical & Ashamed

I know.. I really have not helped myself one bit..So much for turning down those child counselling sessions..Instead I resorted to writing in my diary..which I recall, being scented.  And it had a lock & key (lost that years ago, feel for whoever may have found that)!  I think it was a present either from my parents or aunt.

I'm not sure when..but at some point I stopped writing. 

A very close friend of mine recently said to me the reason why I am spoken to or sometimes treated like a victim by others is because that's how they see me. Those words actually really effected me, as I had been searching for an answer & she gave it to me.  

I, Myself had unknowingly been walking around with this label & mentality & so felt I had seeked out family/friends who allowed me to self wallow.  I guess, it would allow me to be the Victim..This to me though, still feels acceptable..as I was only a child at that time..so thought i was just seeking that comfort & to know i was blameless.  As i child i didnt know any other way to think or see things.

However, now I am at the ripe age of 40..I have accepted I no longer want to carry the Victim label (I wasn't actually aware I came across this way) just had lots happen in my life that unfortunately weren't what I asked for.  

But on reflection I now recognise who are my people & who are not.

These people are my loyal, supportive but honest friends..who would rather encourage me..remind me & tell me who I am & how far I have come.

At the same time though.. if I am having a wobble or need to get things off my chest..they don't judge..they don't repeat & they just listen.

I love my friends & truly grateful for all that they say & do.

So, this leads me to learning to be Natt..going from Victim to Survivor..

In order to do this,  I had to get pretty real with myself..which ladies & gents is not actually not that easy to do (my ego struggled).  

I had to face some pretty hard scenarios that I had buried deep in me..I had to ask myself some very hard questions then reflect but leave all that guilt, shame & hurtful feelings.  

Thoughts that I have literally held onto my entire life.

Right up until the end of last year infact (so entire childhood & throughout most of my adulthood) Too long..we can all agree,  that is not healthy for the mind,right?! 

One of the questions I asked myself once reflecting on the scenarios was..Can i change what I feel guilty about?  I cant actually..No..however I can accept it & I can FINALLY move on. 

I can embrace where I am now & regardless of my thoughts..triggers..self pity..flashbacks & pain etc.  However, I know it is time.. that for my own family & I, to let it all go.  To feel good, even when things are not so great..focus on all that is.

Every night now (although I do this freely throughout my days) I practise Gratitude.

Listing 5 things that I am grateful for (not always written..but to myself) 

Studying Psychology is having a profound effect on me & the Gabby Bernstein Books!!

No joke, literally life changing effect..my confidence..my energy..my inner glow..my thoughts..my anxiety & so much more!!

Gratitude can alter so much & just being real with yourself.. it can alter your everyday life.. to where appreciating what you have rather than what you don't is actually where it counts.

My focus has shifted..My Mental Health & Wellness is improving..I feel happier & I feel as though I am less fearful & even if my hands are sweaty & shaking & that self doubt voice starts to kick in..I am feeling the fear & doing it anyway (whatever "It" is)!

I feel as though an inner belief is developing once again..only this time I am way more self aware.

I have set myself little & big goals, which I did in November & I believe wholeheartedly I will achieve them without letting too much external things distract me (in my past I did just that & killed my own dreams).      

I have created new habits for myself to help keep me focused & stay on track.

I am well aware that I will not be transforming & healing my life overnight however..I am already feeling the benefit of the changes & the gratitude I have now been practising daily is having a positive effect on my family, our life & me.

I have even found the confidence to no longer hide my passion & once again get back into the industry I absolutely love.

I have started my own business with a company & team that I am enjoying every minute we are working together or I, on my business & it shows.

I mean..what an amazing few weeks it has been!

There's much more to come & other opportunities & offers which without my social media profiles it wouldn't of been possible..I have yet to make these public but what I can say is.. I promise you this year is definitely our year (My family & I).

So here's to letting go & here's to us all having one of our best years yet & getting out of our own way!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post..I hope for someone it helps them recognise their own mindset too & is relatable enough that you take the same steps as me to make a better..happier life for you.  

Regardless of your past.

Happy 2020 All 

For your reference below are the tools I am using to alter my mindset..

Gabby Bernstein Books & Academy

Gary Vee Podcast & his Social Media profiles

Gratitude Journal

Psychologies Magazine 

Im truly grateful for being pointed in the direction of the above.

Self Labelling.. 

How it impacts our Mental Health & how we see & feel about ourselves

Throughout my life, not only have I spoke many words to myself that I now realise I attached to.  I also have allowed people to attach labels on me too.

These labels have not only reflected and affected how I see & feel about myself but also how others identify and think about me too.

Very recently, Sunday in fact.  My 16 year old asked me "Mum, why are you not confident" as many of you know,  I am a deep thinker.  I wasn't able to fully answer him but I did say "Life, myself and people have had an impact on my confidence, as I have allowed that" He replied "You used to be though and still should be Mum".

These words too have stayed with me.

He definitely touched something within me & after thinking about this a lot recently, searching for ways to being a more self confident me (I have recently been studying Psychology & CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) which is kind of what sparked me, I'd like to share with you my thoughts & findings.


So have you ever heard another person say " If you tell someone something enough times they'll believe it"?

Well, i never really understood the true meaning or just how powerful that one sentence would be for me, until recently.  You see, whether words/labels are spoken positively or negatively we actually do adopt these into our own self and being.  Which is often beyond our own control.
After-all, we are what we think we are.

I am very much coming to the understanding that we all interpret, perceive, judge even, based on filtered words of others & the person themselves.  I personally, do try to have an open mind when faced with new people, environment etc but sometimes an image is already building up on what I may have been told by someone (even someone we have known for a long time).

With each person in my life, I try to stay connected with the whole of that person, see all of who they are, their beauties, their kindness, their shortcomings, their loving and playful gestures, their mistakes as well as their suffering.  Their caring and funny side etc as I guess that is how I, myself would like others to see me.  Try this,its actually way more difficult than it sounds or that I had anticipated. (still working on this.  If I'm honest, I still have teeth marks inside my tongue (if I am struggling with how they are speaking to or about me) as that is when I find the above difficult.

I came across something called the "illusory truth effect" on my recent study & I found it very interesting but also relatable as I have felt this behaviour towards myself in my past ( you should take a look yourself, see if you to have had experience with this).  Recently, it has caused me heartache and pain.  However, I am actually thankful as that pain has fuelled me in such a positive way!

I know I am still going to be labelled & evaluated by others in the future, However its on me how I let it effect me.

I'd like to break free from the this cultural habit that we have all formed.

If we were to be honest with ourselves, willing to accept responsibility for creating our own stories on each other.  Acting unkind or unloving to someone, especially when there is never a good reason for it then i personally think it would bring about change, positive change.

I am told, Natt you are "overly sensitive" "think too deeply" "let things bother you" and I felt like that too needed to change for me.  However, I am who I am. So  for me, anything less than love,hurts.
Why should i change those parts of me to take others feel more comfortable?
I don't feel there are excuses for talking unkindly, even in jest.  I mean, isn't that just the excuse we tell ourselves, to validate our words?.

We all have our differences and our flaws but do we really need them all pointed out, in order to make our self feel superior or better?  It is still lost on me what the gain is there?.

I originally started this blog with no intentions of publishing to the public. More like therapy for me, to let go of these thoughts and not have them swirling around in my head.  I just knew that I felt lost,broken and damaged (labels I have been given by others and myself) and needed to let it out somehow.  However, if I didn't publish, I feel that goes against my mission in the first place.
To share it all.  My highs, lows, the good, the bad and even the ugly.  I have let others opinions stop me from following my dreams, when actually I'm really passionate about inspiring others and I know my journey (warts and all) is relateble and inspires. I have actually had more positive comments than the negative, yet the negative stuck with me.

So below are my personal choices for going forward, on my steps to stripping it all back and re-connecting and techniques in re-training my brain, I have already started these steps, the last few days I am already feeling lighter, I have not let fear or negativity get in my way and already have exciting opportunities coming my way.  I stepped way out of my comfort zone recently ( which is mainly down to my Mr for encouraging me & supporting me) which they do say brings growth.
I am confident that these changes will help me and others going forward.

1. Write 5 things that I am grateful for every evening.
2. Write down the goals I want to achieve this month
3. Be kind to myself & mindful of my words 
4. Find some quiet time to read again, first self help book on my list (which has a little dust) is The Secret by Rhonda Bryne.       Have any of you read or action-ed this book before?
5. Mindfulness Activity Book (present a while back from my lovely friends)
6. Study time - Psychology & Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Course
7. Daily Teachings (app on my iPhone) 
8. Share kindness & Positive quotes on my social media as i enjoy doing this

I know for me, the biggest way to fill my cup, is to spend quality time with my children & my Mr.
Although I would love to say this has happened daily, unfortunately its not been as much as we'd all like recently (which also impacts me negatively).
I have been so far up in my head and felt so much pressure and stress, that when I have been with all of family daily, am I present?  Sadly I'd say no.  We are a work in progress and together as a family, each one of us will get where it is we'd love to be.  For now, at least we are open and honest and know we are all working towards feeling happier with ourselves and each other.

Oh, also a recommendation from my Facebook friend, Cath Lewis.  Shine On with Reese (watch the episode with Pink) on Netflix,  it was another moment for me, which will impact me positively.  Watch it!

    This post may touch someone else.. in a positive way..prompt them to takeaway their own feelings & experiences throughout their life too.. put into action what I am sharing with you today.  That could have a great effect and you all know if by my sharing myself with you helps, even just one person, then I can smile in knowing that this post played a part in their making changes and happiness too.

Thank you to everyone of you that has took the time to read this & don't be shy, leave me some feedback.

We Are All A Little Broken

Whats broken CAN be healed.. 

Its been a very long & painful journey at times but I think I,m now finally learning a few lessons & recognises all the hurt &  I,m now taking steps to heal & have realised that no matter how dark life can be at times, its temporary..by taking that time to heal, it doesn't mean that the cause of the pain, the damage never existed it just means that you are no longer going to let it control your life.

Patience will be needed & give yourself all the time you need..so many different aspects to healing yourself, one of them being forgiveness.. its a gradual process.. The actual "comeback" is actually an ongoing trip.

I feel so grateful that I have been lucky to have supportive people around me who understand myself & try also to understand my struggles.. sometimes daily.  I,ve not always been "fine" or "okay" but more so I like to think of myself now as BRAVE.. I used to think that actually it was more strength & that I had somehow found extra strength to get me through some of the hardest times of my life. 

Sometimes its as though there is more than one person in my head & the weaker one is the part of me that struggles from time to time.. then another part of me is the stronger one that makes me get out of bed in the morning, face my day & pull on my positive pants knowing theres way more out there for me & plenty for me to be smiling about to help me through, my children being 5 of those reasons.

There is no special "light switch" flick that when turned on will make you better.. also I cant go right back to my childhood & escape or erase all of those moments that caused me so much pain & grief or re-write those times in my life..They happened.

Im not going to lie, there have been so many times when to me I felt I have been trying to hold on to fine rice & its just falling through my fingers, those are the times where my inner self has eventually took the control & attempt to pull my life back together.  

So many times myself, my behavior has been perceived negatively & by people I thought were my "close friends" those times were actually what broke my heart rather than any of the actual incidences themself..  felt like they would rather I had suffered in silence & dealt with all my struggles how they saw fit, like my life inconvenienced theres.. so many different reactions I guess & with this a terrible anxiety just kicks in.. so now those people are either no longer in my circle or I,m very distanced from them..Protecting myself & my spirit as i know amazing things are coming.

Lots of times I have screamed from the inside too, let far too much negativity enter my head & thoughts & cause myself to feel frustrated as had that feeling of being misunderstood.

My heart has raced far faster than it should & I had that feeling you get when you trip up a step, shortness of breath & feeling a little dizzy (I,m naturally dizzy or ditsy as many would say but this was in a light-headed kind of way)

I guess we never know what people are truly facing on a day to day basis especially when some hide it so well.. however, there is light..there are ways that will get you past these broken times & you will shine again, if you want too & have that support.. DO NOT suffer in silence because you are scared of being judged.

I,m now accepting of the things that I cannot change..learning to love myself after years of trying to fit up to other peoples standards & learning new techniques to get me through those anxious times.. self love is so important & learning to deal with my fears & block out any negative self talk too.

I choose LOVE over HATE..ACTION over ANXIETY..VULNERABILITY over SHAME..CALM over CHAOS ( this one will take a while) .. INTUITION over EXPECTATIONS..AWARENESS over FEAR & i hope in time also i RESPOND instead of REACT.

Time to focus on how I CAN & just remember, I,m healing.

Happiness Starts With You..

We all want to be happy, however are we looking in the right places..

I realise that for as long as I can remember I seek for happiness in others (never put the key to your own happiness in someone else's pocket) in a relationship, in a job, within my friendships or even with money but finally it has dawned on me.. its not about having someone to cherish me, inspire me, motivate me, support me or to keep me focused & make me happy..I heard recently the term "people pleaser" I,m not to sure i like that reference to myself! 

 I need to look within, at myself.. stop searching in all the things above & find those things in myself.

I'm responsible for my own happiness....

My happiness daily I've come to notice depends on my outlook, my willingness & actions to make the best of each & everyday.. even on the days that i would consider a bad day,(mainly when my anxiety is in full swing)  or if things just do not go the way id hoped or planned, those days which feel like everything is a struggle or just plain difficult, those days I choose to reflect & look for the blessings & what I am grateful for..after all isn't happiness a state of mind?

A lot of events that have occurred in my life.. I think its been how i react to them & my thought process at the time that have either left me feeling upset,sad,annoyed at myself or happy with the way I have dealt with/handled them or just plain avoided dealing with..my choices have lead me exactly where I am today.

I'm also learning that I need to empty myself & avoid negativity.. it doesn't sit well inside me.. I would much rather fill myself with positive feelings & be around people too who like me,who like me, carry hope with them, compassion, love & gratitude.. we need to work on our happiness every single day, take action to do so. 

My happy.. I will find you with steps I am taking daily.. doing my best to rid the negative emotions & basically just be at peace with myself, because if I am not feeling good then how do i expect to be happy?

 Do ONE thing everyday that makes you happy

Its Okay If You Fall Down & Lose Your Spark..Just Make Sure That When You Get Back Up.. You RISE As The Whole Damn Fire!

Im making my way back.. 

Those of you that know me are aware just how many times life has knocked me down..how I have seen things I never wanted to see, felt judged by so many (hurts more when its from the ones you love) listened to things that have brought me insecurities, sadness & at times felt like a failure..its usually at the darkest of times where I dig real deep & wrestle with my demons to find that inner strength needed for the breakthrough that I know will follow..

To earn those best days of your life, usually before them there's that fight through the bad days..

There are many wounds I have carried & some for far too long.. however my biggest motivation is my 5 children & for them I will keep pushing harder & never give up..

Time to show my light..to shine.. to get Natt her happy back..

WATCH THIS SPACE..

Its about time I re ignite my passion..follow my dreams.. lose that extra weight I have been carrying (not just physically)!!

Even in your darkest moments, try & find something Beautiful

Sixteen Steps to Happiness

"TAKE small steps each day.. you might NOT get there Today.. but you'll be closer than Yesterday"

You would think that taking tiny little steps daily wouldn't bring about change or seem kind of trivial, right?!   However I'm here to tell you, that's not true.. in fact any steps in the right direction for me have meant better than not taking any at all..

Keep moving.. keep pushing through those hurdles/obstacles.. even if the results are not instant, trust me you'll see results.. you'll cover some distance.. DO NOT give up

Today I saw a post that is inline with what I have just said & I love to share with you.. if it brings about changes for even one person alone.. ill be happy :)

FOLLOW these sixteen steps below to HAPPINESS

• Push yourself to get up before the rest of the world, start with 7am, then 6am, then 5.30am..pop on that big coat & scarf, go the nearest hill & watch the sunrise.
• Push yourself to fall asleep earlier, start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm..wake up in the morning feeling re-energised & comfortable.
• Erase processed food from your diet.. start with no chips & biscuits then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread.. use the rule that if a child couldn't identify what it is in it, then don't eat it.
• Get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast, tomatoes & mushrooms fried in coconut oil with onions or garlic or both with an egg & a slice of fresh avocado & squirt way too much lemon on it.. sit & eat it & do nothing else.
• Stretch, start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can.. then trying to touch your toes..roll your head..stretch your fingers.. stretch everything.
• Buy a 1L bottle of water (I use a filter bottle).. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice in a day.
• Buy a beautiful diary & a beautiful black pen.. write down everything that you do.. including dinner dates.. appointments.. assignments.. coffee's.. what you need to do that day..no detail is too small.
• Strip your bed of your sheets & empty your underwear drawer into the washing machine.. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there & wash.. make your bed in full.
• Organise your room.. fold all your clothes(bag what you don't want).. clean your mirror.. your laptop & hoover your floor.. light a beautiful candle or like me burn an essential oil..
• Have a luxurious shower whilst playing your favourite music.. wash your hair.. scrub your body.. brush your teeth.. lather your whole body in coconut oil or your preferred moisturiser..get familiar with the part between your toes.. your inner thighs.. the back of your neck.
• Push yourself to go for a walk.. take your headphones.. if you're lucky enough to live by a beach.. go there.. smile at strangers walking the other way & be surprised how they smile back..if you have a dog, bring him with you, observe his behaviour.. realise you can learn from him.
• Message old friends with personal jokes, reminisce.. suggest a catch up soon.. even if life gets in the way.. push yourself to follow it up.
• Think long & hard, what interests you?.. self development.. Crime.. sex.. long forgotten romance etiquette or if like my Mr, Zombies.. find a book about it & go read it.. there is a book out there for everyone.. Go read it.
• Become the person you would ideally fall in love with.. compliment people.. tell those that inspire you.. stick your tongue out at babies.. challenge yourself to just be nice for one whole day..then a week.. walk with a straight posture.. look people in their eye (I do this always).. ask people about their story.. talk to acquaintances' so they become friends.
• Lie in the sunshine.. daydream about your life, the one you would lead IF failure wasn't a thing.. open your eyes.. take small steps to make it happen for you.

PRINT this out.. Follow these little steps.. adjust to your lifestyle & interests but ideally just implement these into your life

Let me know how you all get on.. id love to know if any of you actually try this & how you find its worked for you.

Have a blessed day everyone & thank you for reading & your support with my blog

:)

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